I can still feel it, even today, almost 16 years later.
Isabelle, our oldest daughter, was 4 years old when she looked up at me and said, “Mama, will you be at my soccer game or will you be drinking that alcohol?” To most of you the choice would seem simple, but not to someone drowning in a pit of shame.
I remember standing at my washing machine, thinking about her hard words and desperately wanting to choose my sweet girl over the demon that was controlling my life. The powerlessness I felt in that moment is still living with me, the torment of who I would choose. My body was so physically devoted to alcohol and my mind was obsessed with the relief that it brought me.
This was the moment that everything changed. God used an Angel, my daughter, to lead me back, but how did I get there?
I was twelve years old the first time I remember drinking with the intent to get drunk and ‘have a good time’. Besides the odd sip of wine or whiskey with my Grandpa when we visited their home we never had alcohol in our home that I can remember.
You see, my family were devout Salvationists which meant you made a promise to God that you would abstain from alcohol. I think the founders of the Salvation Army were well aware of the damage that alcohol can do to a person, to their families when they included this within the covenant. Needless to say, drinking was far from my mind.
To be honest, at this point I thought alcoholism and addictions only affected homeless people. I did not think people within the church had such conflicts.
I grew up in the church so, I knew God existed and heard all the stories about Jesus that they taught to us in Sunday School. Crafts and snacks accompanied every story that I can recall. I knew Jesus loved me because “the Bible told me so” and so did my parents and everyone else I knew. But knowing it and believing it are very different.
Our church lifestyle became permanent when my parents became pastors for the Salvation Army and now the church consumed and controlled every aspect of our lives, or that is what it felt like. We moved a lot and it was hard but like everything, we adapted.
I grew to be very insecure and introverted. It is difficult to fit into a new town as a preacher’s kid if you are shy but I found ways because, like most people, I wanted to be loved. To be accepted was the goal and unfortunately drinking on the weekends with friends allowed me a tool to loosen up and I had a lot of fun with people I grew to love and cherish as friends.
I had so many masks. Sunday morning I put on the “Good preacher’s kid mask” after taking off my “fun, party girl” mask earlier that morning. It was fun, but the guilt of lying and hiding behaviors was exhausting for a young girl. Plus, with every drunk, new memories were created and some were difficult to get through. To be honest, I still have scars, physical and emotional, from some of those times where I sought comfort in a bottle.
The Obsession is Real
For me, I focused on drinking because that was an escape. It was a way I could express my feelings, open up and be free of all the negative thoughts and feelings I was stuck with on a day-to-day basis when I was sober. Being sober meant being stuck with myself, and that was depressing so the obsession to change the way I felt governed my life.
The obsession is not specific to alcoholism though. It is actually part of being human, Most people I know obsess about something. Money, work, shopping, exercise, the list can go on and on really. Most of us use something at some point in our lives to alter how we feel.
Idols are things that control our thoughts and then they control or dictate our behaviors. So, we start thinking about ‘x’, then we plan out how to get ‘x’, and then we act out our plan. The difficulty arises when we have to deal with the consequence of being guided by an idol that takes the place of what is best or better for us.
“What you are searching for
and chasing after
reveals the God
That is winning the war
In your heart.”
(Gods at War, Kyle Idleman)
I always had a reason to alter the way I felt. It is hard to feel sad, to be full of shame and guilt. There was ALWAYS A PAYOFF as to why I continued to participate in something I knew was causing harm, even if it seemed minimal. Being comfortable, even momentarily caused me to do things I never imagined I would do.
No matter what the obsession that we are struggling with, it will NEVER SATISFY the hole that we are trying to fill. I just ended up digging a deeper hole.
Even when a large portion of my life was spent in a pew or a church related outing I was spiritually empty, bankrupt. I didn’t see any way out.
My list of stories and struggles is long and I am not sure you want to hear them all. The point in sharing this is to say that I know what living at the bottom of a pit feels like.
The hate I felt towards myself was powerful and the memories that I needed to walk through to let go of, made it the hardest chapter of my lifetime.
So, along with the stories I will share I want to offer HOPE. I am going to lead you through what recovery looked like for me in hopes that you can find freedom from the bondage of whatever idol, or lie, is governing your life. Perhaps you are a family member of someone living with addictions? Well, we will be showing the family side of addiction too.
Please, follow along with us as we tell you our story of how we found freedom. There is a way out of the pit you are in.
